We Need to Talk
In today’s episode, Dave Glaser talks about when and how you can appropriately Define the Relationship, or DTR, a common modern dating term. When is a good time for you to define your current relationship?
Did you rush it the last time? Or did you wait too long and your perfect soulmate got snatched up right out from under you?
I’ve been there before too. I remember a few moments in my life when I certainly didn’t want to define the relationship… which should have clued me into the fact that I wasn’t THAT into dating her or had some intuitive feeling that it wouldn’t last.
As I have come to understand over the past two years of being single is that there are different types of attachment styles according to researcher Amir Levine in his book, Attached. Anxious, secure, avoidant, and disorganized are the four types that we discussed in our podcast episode Attached with Natalia Samman recently!
As Levine stated in his book, the Avoidant attachment style remains in the dating pool longer than any other type. Makes sense, right?
The avoidant attachment style would like to ignore all possibility of commitment at all costs, right? I resonated most with this style when I dug deep into my tendencies and past patterns. Always finding myself saying, “I like her… but she’s this/that/or”. That’s pretty typical of an avoidant personality style and a great way to understand why they are single longer than any other attachment style.
Have you come across an avoidant attachment style before? They may also be referred to as “Commitment Phobes” or “afraid of commitment”. And some, rightfully so. Maybe they had a controlling ex or verbally abusive person in their life that they need to work through the pain slowly.
The good news is that there is HOPE! As Natalia and I discussed in our hour long conversation about a topic in modern dating that we are both so passionate about, we do know that attachment styles are fluid and we can mover from Anxious to Secure to Avoidant continuously.
Often, that’s in response to our partner. Being conscious and aware of these tendencies is the first step to becoming more resilient as modern dating becomes more savage! One of the greatest tools I have found that helps me be more compassionate for others is the Enneagram personality assessment.
If you haven’t taken your own test yet, please do so at 9types.com and screen shot your results and share them with Dave at firstname.lastname@example.org!
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